What I wrote in class in response to the interview exercise felt kind of uninspired, so I put together something I'm a bit happier about, although it still needs a lot of tweaking (and no, no slinkies, don't like the sound of the word).
Between a ghost town and a village,
empty streets—no tangle ups,
accross from where Augusta stood
with a smoldering cat,
both hissing at the past.
Outside all's unknown,
hidden patterns taped to ceilings
glow, not shine
like alternating pegs,
their home not jet black space
but the flesh of a child.
This piece is interesting because you have abstracted away from the original details and created a scene that is mysterious yet comprehensible. "Between a ghost town and a village" is great phrasing because it stretches to encompass several meanings, both the literal (geographical) and metaphorical. The lines "their home not jet black space / but the flesh of a child" is captivating because it flirts well with the macabre.
ReplyDeleteFor a future draft, I would recommend increasing the level of specificity and elaborating the specific scene. Who is this character Augusta, and this cat? How can de-familiarize the cat, and create new fodder for the ghost town?
Keep it up! I like your work.
I like the smoldering cat hissing at the past. You do a great job here mixing the real with the surreal, bouncing back and forth between the concrete and abstract - It's not easy to do. I'm finding myself that I either go one way or the other so it's nice to see an example where it works well.
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing